Letters of Address~Just Because

To My Best Friend from Governor's School,

I know you don't read this. But I'm writing tonight and relaxing and decided to blog. SO, I just wanted to say that I really am soo glad that we met again at Bama, because even though you get on my nerves ( and i get on yours) you really are the person that I talk to about almost everything ( except about sex, cuz your my bro! and that'd be weird :])Anyways, you put up with all my craziness and I love you for that! You've helped me realize what I need to look for in a boy. And I'm so glad to be on this forensics journey with you!

To My Sister,

You don't read this either. NEWSFLASH: NO ONE DOES. HAHA. But anyways, I know that there was a rough patch when you were a lot younger and I wasnt around alot. But our friendship and the fact that we are sisters, means so much more than I could ever express to you. I love calling you my sister. You are beautiful, smart, and just a good person. You remind me so much of myself but you are definitely your own person. Can't wait until we can take that trip to Italy together. ROLL TIDE! :]

To EH,

When we first met, you were young and I wasnt sure what to make of you. But I love you now as if you were blood. I don't like to use the term 'step' because just like C..you are my brother, plain and simple. I love taking pictures with you and modeling! you are so much fun! And Smart, man o man. You impress me so much. I'm looking forward to watching you grow up :]

To David Chase,

You are in a weird stage where you dont talk to me much and you dont like your picture being taken,ect. But I love ya. I probably get on your nerves alot, doing what big sisters do, but it's all in good fun. Ever since we were little, we have always been able to relate really well. I love that about us. Love you!

To my team,

I am so blessed to just be in the same room with you guys, to be competing in the same competition with you. The talent is amazing and awe-inspiring. You guys literally bring tears to my eyes when you perform or give a speech, because you are SO good and I'm so proud to be on your team. Thank you for accepting me, and encouraging me. You are my heart.

To XA

I talk alot about XA on here, because it was the first place that really truly welcomed me at UA and made me feel at home. I wont ever forget that. I know im in the right place with you all, and on the right path. You teach me how to be a better person, and Im blessed to have u guys in my life.

uuuum this is starting to feel like a suicide note or going away letter. weird. I didnt mean it like that. I'm just bored and feel like writing and organizing my thoughts and all that jazz. So UM, yeah. :]

Silence

It is stronger, sometimes, than words can be.

I wonder why it is that some people find taking hints difficult. For example, when you are trying to keep your distance from someone and you don't initiate conversations with them or contact with them, why is it that they insist on keeping contact with you? Do they not understand that you are pretty tired of their bullshit and the 'friendship' is lame and isn't worth keeping because, oh, well..thats funny..you really...in most definitions..arent..friends.anyway. Just curious? I really know the answer..but it still gets me everytime.

Another pet peeve. Facebook statuses. I love my friends. But is it really necessary to talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend through your status..talk about fights.. give subtle hints about whats going on in your relationship or how in loooove you are (I just wanna throw up in my mouth a litttle everytime i read one of those) I mean, yeah, i'm being a little down on this whole love stuff. But there are lots of people that love their bf/gf without exclaiming it every day on Facebook. I looooove those people. They are my heroes.

Yet another pet peeve? E LEARNING. It's down and I wanna get this test out of the way.

Just so this post isnt completely negative. I love Forensics. LOVE my team, they are my heart, and I love them. I think im more happy this year than I can ever remember being. Classes are giving me trouble though, gotta pick that up. We leave for competition next friday..soooo excited about that...but gah I've got SO much work to do before then.

Strongly believe that once you close one door, another opens. But Door A has to be completely closed first. Does that make sense? Good. :]



Love!!


-Jess :]

Nervous/anxious/worried/expectant

I am about to leave to go to the first day of the forensics workshop. I am so nervous. I am officially back in Tuscaloosa, in my new room. I'm super happy with my roommates and my room looks decent but I am SOOO nervous about forensics. Probably because I have been anticiapting it all summer and all last semester. I really hope i enjoy it and I am good at it. I also hope they like me ( I know, but i do!) I am always nervous on the first days of pretty much everything. Its probably because I dont like the unknown. And I am definitely ready to move the unknown into the known realm. Keep me in your prayers.

Girly, Childish, Awesome things

I came across a live BSB concert today online. It was in London. The 02 Arena, and there were TONS of people. I cant put into words how much I love the Backstreet Boys, and how nostalgic it was watching them perform. YOU GUYS, they danced! It was sooo cool. I sat there and sang along..snapped my fingers,, hollered at the computer screen. It. was. Grand. Heh. Theres something about listening to the music and artists that you grew up with that just feels great. And to know that they are still around, still making music, still doing what they love ( minus one)..is just soo awesome. And when they sang 'Backstreets Back'..well..all i have to say is HECK YES. Haha, so i might be going to one of their concerts in Atlanta in mid-August. We will see. I wish people actually read my blog. Because I want to know who YOUR BSB was.... I know im not the only one..

Awakening

So a couple of days ago, I was reminded of how much I miss acting and performing. There were a couple things that reminded me 1) running blocking for Brie 2)watching "A Guide to Recognizing your Saints 3) hearing Megan Fox talking about filming Transformers 2. So I started thinking, " Man I wish I was doing that, that is freakin awesome." And, ofcourse, my thinking process began...and it hasnt stopped. I've been thinking about what really makes me happy..and fulfilled. There are several things Im interested in--but, man, Acting and Performing is right up there at the top. And, in many ways, I feel like it is so out of my reach..to be succesfull in that industry. But, then again, I feel like its part of me. And then, part of me feels like a typical sell out..because you know there is a crazy number of people that wants to run away to LA and become a star. But I dont really want to be a star. I just want to act..and be respected for what I do. Because when it comes down to it...I am the most happy when I am working with actors and performing. It just feels like home. Feels natural. And Im definitely not the best, and have much improving to do. But I enjoy it. And I dont want to go through my whole life regretting that i didnt give it a shot. So I've decided that after I graduate from Alabama, I am going to move to La for an equivalent of a semester. Hopefully, I can enroll in a graduate program there and audition in my spare time,,, or just see if theres anywhere I could fit in there. Give it a shot, theres not harm in that, right? I dont want to do it so I can go to cool Clubs ( I am not a partier) and Im not interested in becomming stick thin or getting plastic surgery. I AM interested in using whatever skills God has given me to their potential.

So as most of these thoughts were running through my head, I happen to have an unexpected conversation with a friend I worked with in a previous show, and randomly, she told me that if acting is what I wanted to do..i Should go for it--no matter what. Sign? Possibly, yes? Im not sure if acting is the 'end all be all' for me..but i love it..i love movies..i love performance.. I admire the effect that film has on society and people...and just how exciting and fun it seems to be! So..here goes..in Fall 2011, Im gonna give it a shot.

A Good Year

This is my last night in Tuscaloosa for about 3 months. I cant believe the year is over already. It really does, in retrospect,it seems like my mom and dad just dropped me off not too long ago. I started out coming to Ttown because I had no where else to go. My top 2 schools
didnt accept me. I wasnt going to school in Huntsville, so that left the U of A. I came down here with many stereotypes..that i hoped werent true. And the truth is..most of them were true. But it was the things that I didnt expect that made me really love this university. Like how most of the boys down here are Southern Gentlemen..holding the door open for you, asking if you need help carrying bags..that kind of thing. I LOVED that.

**sidenote** its completely white outside its raining so hard! SWEET! (kinda reminds me of "The Mist" though :[ )

Anyways, back on topic, another thing I love about Alabama is how everything is taken care of..the grounds (the flowers here are take your breath away beautiful!)..all the little things.. the faculty here and the administration really have everything under control. No antics, no controversies..its a nice change from high school.
A lot of people talk about how Bama is so big and that if you come from a small school, you might not like it to much. But I beg to differ. There are so many things to get involved with here that you can find your own niche, and be important there. Also, you can 'get lost in the crowd' every now and then when you feel like it. Oh yeah..and when you are trying to avoid someone.. a big university helps ya out.
Sometimes I think about how if I were at a more prestigious school, I would have more opportunities. But then I realize that everyone has there own path--this is mine. I can make my opportunities happen--whatever I want. The trick is figuring out what I want. I have officially picked my majors: Political Science and Communication Studies. I am also minoring in Italian. I am on the Forensics Team ( though specifics arent known) and I work for the Campus radio station doing political updates. I got a job at Coldstone this semester, and I attend Chi Alpha every weeek. Things are good. I've managed to grow in so many areas and all of those activities have helped in there own way. Not to mention the people that I've met. It proves that not everybody at UA is getting drunk on the weekends at a frat party. I am thankful for that.

And, oh yeah, the football is pretty cool too. Ha.

I am ready to be home for the summer though, no matter how much I am going to miss being here, I am looking forward to Huntsville. Being away makes you appreciate home.

This summer I am promising myself a few things:
1) lose weight-because i have the freshman-15-30 haha
2)Stay out of trouble by:
-Getting a Job
-Working at Lee
-Having a good time with my buddies :] And Family, ofcourse!

There, it is official.

;]

Something Holy

I feel as if I have this sense about me recently that helps me manage and understand my thoughts.Call it the Holy Spirit, call it whatever.Things that used to befuddle me in the past, are tending to become much more clear. This is a really good thing. I talked in one of my other entries about how I love when things are clear-when i dont overanalyze situations or ideas-i just know. I love that. This school year is coming to an end. As I was telling my friend today at lunch, I really feel like i have learned so much this year. I've learned SO much about life...

So here is a little advice that I would give my sister and any other girl:

1) Don't settle for a boy that is not willing to make you a priority
2) Never give in, thinking that when you give in you will get what you want.
3) There ARE good guys out there. And you CAN be attracted to them.
4) Spirituality is necessary.
5)Persist in getting what you want. And believe you can achieve it, and you will.
6)Date the guy that is a gentlemen, not the asshole.
7)True friends have your best interest at heart. They will not intentially hurt you, gossip about you, or treat you disrespect. The mark of a true friend is being able to walk away from them and KNOW that they are not speaking one harsh word about you.
8)Get a job, it teaches you so much about how to be a better person, and how to appreciate people. It also makes you appreciate your spare time. Shopping money doesnt hurt either.
9)I've discovered that i can be a very judgemental, negative person..especially when it comes to myself. This is something I am trying to change, because it is not good. Be POSITIVE.


~I have the feeling for the first time EVER that I will find somebody. He is out there. I really dont have to worry about that. It is just a matter of When.

~Another word of advice, it is helpful to not use analogies. Just because no one has done it, does not mean it can't be done.

I have an Italian Final tomorrow :[

Pray.

My favorite things

Military boys
Blue eyes
Warm smiles
Family
Chi Alpha
Authenticity
Politics
Mysteries
Southern gentlemen
Old school music
Theatre.
Old friends
New friends

...the list could go on and on.

Gosh, there is so much in life to love. I am in love with life. I am inlove with the mystery of what comes next. I am inlove with spirituality.

Tonight was the last "Gathering" until August. And during worship tonight I couldnt help but to think about how thankful I am that I found Chi Alpha--How it brought me closer to God..and in so many ways saved me. And I couldnt stop thinking about how much i had changed since September and how it didnt seem like it should be time to go home already. I love the place im at when im worshipping. Things can be so clear. And i love it when things are clear. ;]

Love people. Thats all we need to do. Thats it.

It's hard sometimes though, but there is beauty in the struggle.

I have auditions for "Children of Eden" Saturday. I really hope I make it.. I really would love and really need to be in a show. I have so much more appreciation for it now that i have been away from it for a year...

Keep your fingers crossed...



:]

Sometimes

Sometimes you cant be the carefree girl. Sometimes you cant be the best friend. Sometimes you cant be "the one" and sometimes you cannot be anything special. At times, you are going to encounter someone that you just cant "be" around--because of different circumstances. Maybe because they are a former boyfriend or just someone you have had a bad experience with. In my experiences, I have often wanted to be someone important. And oftentimes, problems arose when I wasnt. Problems came up because I wasnt willing to settle--to just be another one of his girls. But then again I did settle for way to long--but I learned alot. I really wish I could write something wise and profound and something that could make sense to anyone reading. All I know is that the past couple of years I have learned alot about love. I've met guys that have taught me how boyfriends shouldnt be. And boys that have elements about them that Im looking for in a guy. I have met couples that set such a good example of how things should go..and couples that dont set such a good example. And I thank God that I have had experiences that make me never want to settle for someone who is not willing to give me their all. I am ready for a new experience, but Im not going to rush it...because I want it to be a good one this time.

"3 months and Im still breathing
3 months and I still remember it
3 months and I am still sober,
picked all my weeds but kept the flowers"

This thing called Love

I think love is the most important thing in this life. First, we have to learn to love ourselves so that we can really accept other's love. And in loving ourselves we can really learn to love others. Everybody always says that in order to find love, the romantic kind, we have to really love ourselves. I think its a good point, although I dont have any validation for that. Another kind of love, is the kind we give to our friends. I cant say how important I think it is that everybody has a community of friends that really, honestly loves and appreciates them. This kind of love from friends can help us realize that we are loveable and we can begin to love ourselves...kind of complteting the circle. And then,alas, there is the family love. The kind of love that really is transparent. The kind where you know pretty much everything about them, have so many shared experiences and connections and you still love each other anyway..because they are your family and you know that they are always going to be there for you no matter what. Theres another kind of love that we often dont show..and its to people that we dont know. This kind of love is sooo important, it makes people's day. What I'm talking about is smiling at someone you pass by, being polite to someone you dont know, asking a classmate how they are doing...or just starting a conversation and genuinly caring about what they have to say. This kind of love needs to be shown more often, in my opinion. I read this great book called "Blue Like Jazz" and it talks about how Christian religious stuff is dumb alot of the times and misguided. But the spiritual part is whats worth getting into. It also talks about how the Christian faith is supposed to be about loving people and thus showing Christ's love for everybody. Loving people--not judging or condemning them..or separating ourselves from people that we think are different from us. Thats profound to me. I want to love people all of my life--lift them up. I think a lot of us are trying to fill a hole that we have in our life thats meant for love--a lot of us feel like we are missing "love" and sometimes we think all we need to make the hole go away is 'romantic' love. And its important too, but its not all there is too it. I think that I have been searching for this 'romantic' love for all of my life. I can remember as alittle girl..planning my wedding, imagining boyfriends, making up our life story together, falling hard for my crushes, and just wishing i had a boy to be there for me and comfort me when i was having a rough time. I was definitely needing some love...some attention in my life. Some of it probably had to do with the fact that when i was little..i was pretty much an only child..so I had lots and lots of free time to imagine..my mom worked all the time..and i didnt see my dad often. So maybe I was trying to replace him, who knows. But even now that I am older, Im still searching for this kind of love. I've never experience it and im eager to. Man, there is so much to get into on this topic. Am I being not healthy when I think about how I want a boyfriend? Is that not normal? Am I not busy enough or productive enough that I still would like to experience that? I really dont think so..but I guess some people get that impression. The word "desperate" is floated around about girls who are single and want a guy. But I dont like this and I dont think this is accurate. I think, for the most part, we all want companionship--and sometimes the longing for companionship tends to be stronger if you've never had it in the form of a boyfriend. Also, if all us single girls were desperate then we would be dating any and every boy just to be around somebody. Thats not the case for me. I am waiting for the right person. I dont wanna waste my time on somebody I dont love as a person. Do I set my standards to high? Nope, I dont think so. Im just waiting for him to come along,,and in the meantime Im just gonna ponder this whole crazy situation. I think if we all showed each other more love..then this world would be SO much better. If we all cared..and we all did something about the problems we all face..there would be no poverty..there would be no war.. but that, it seems, is a very tall order. Loving people feels good. When I smile and someone and they smile back..it makes my day---its a connection. It reminds me that people are good. Let me go on a final tanget.. I LOVE smiles.. they are amazing... they make my day. So, maybe we should all smile more often too...but, um..not to much cuz that can get a little creepy ;] Anyways, now that I've christened my new blog with a blog I can relax :] Good day.